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How Silence Can Help You

How Silence Can Help You

Most people are uncomfortable with silence. They rush to fill the void that silence can create, but silence can also help you in several different ways.

If you want someone to talk more, you need to talk less. Ask a question and then listen. When the person is finished, don’t respond right away. Let silence hang in the air. Most people will continue to speak. I used to run a smoking cessation program at a high school. If a student was caught smoking, the student had to come to our meeting and begin our program. We were speaking with a boy asking him how much he smoked. Here is the conversation.

Smoker: “I don’t need help; I don’t have a problem. I don’t smoke much. I only smoke a pack a day. I can stop if I need to. I don’t think I have a problem. Do I have a problem? Can you help me?”

“Yes, we can.”

“I need help.”

Sometimes you need to allow someone to walk through the problem on their own. You need to step out of the way.

Silence can help you learn. We tend to want to interrupt a speaker to share our story, but listening completely can teach us valuable information. We can learn more about each other as well as learning about what someone is teaching us.

When we rest in silence, our mind can clear, our anxiety calms, our distractions disappear, and we have a chance to reflect and focus. When we are silent, we can be more creative. I come up with the best Ideas when I am out running by myself.

Silence can be a weapon. When my class became too noisy I never raised my voice, I just stopped talking and gave them that look that said I expect better from them. I was blessed that it always worked.

Use silence to find out more about the people around you, and use it as a mental health tool.

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The Power of Failure

How your reaction to adversity changes everything.

I used to fear failure. What would people say? How would they judge me? Would I be embarrassed? I felt all of those negative emotions many times until I realized how good failure is for me. I can fail a million times and as long as I learn from the experience and find a way to grow and succeed, I will always come out better. I can make those moments even better by being transparent about my failures and sharing them instead of hiding them in shame. Maybe I can make someone else see the possibilities if I can share how I moved on after a failure. Here are a few examples of how failures have taught me valuable lessons.

I practiced Go Juru karate for six years and I learned more about myself and life than I would have imagined, but many of those lessons were brutal both mentally and physically. The dojo I was in was full contact which meant on Saturday, (sparring day), you were going to be pummeled by the other students. There were three black belts who were massive, burly, scary men. I used to call them the oak trees. Fighting them was terrifying, and I often did not fare well. I remember my oldest daughter had come toward the end of class to take me to lunch. I was about to fight the biggest of the oak trees when I heard my daughter start yelling from the waiting room. “Mommy, don’t do it! No do not fight him!”  When class was over, she tried to convince me to never do that again.

Although I was terrified most days, karate taught me to face my fears and do something even when it scared me. My favorite oak tree told me once I was fearless. I know my mouth was open in surprise when I said, “I am very afraid before I fight.” He replied, “Yes, but you do it anyway.” The many times I had to get back up after being knocked down gave me confidence and it taught me resilience.

I remember the first time I saw someone doing kata which is a series of movements that incorporates important techniques for each belt level. I told myself I would never be able to do that. I practiced and made every mistake possible, but gradually I mastered it. The experience with kata taught me that anything is possible if you want it bad enough and you are willing to work at it. It also taught me that frustration is wasted energy. I used that knowledge in my classroom teaching when one of my best students had a meltdown because she was trying to master a French skill. Frustration is wasted time that you could use to be focusing on your mastery.

My daughter took a job after college that paid well but made her miserable. She was so anxious that she had to take medication. One day, she decided she had to make a change, and she began her own at home sales. Her boyfriend at the time saw this as a failure. Why would she quit her respectable job to do something risky? My daughter took that perceived failure and used it to fuel her drive to succeed. She has been so successful that after ten years of being in business she was able to allow her husband to retire and stay home with their young son.

Don’t let failure hold you down. Some of the most amazing people have been failing their whole lives, but they keep moving forward to make it work. Share your failures with others, and I guarantee they will share their stories. Brainstorm together for success.

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Five Writer’s Resolutions

Everyone makes resolutions for health and wellness and financial health, but as writers, do you make writer’s resolutions? I have a vision board where I put pictures and comments about what I hope for during the new year, but guess which section is the smallest? I asked myself this morning why my greatest passion isn’t getting more of my attention and the answer led me to these resolutions.

Resolution #1 I am going to give higher priority to my writing. Most of the time I do not sit down to write until I have completed all my other responsibilities, and that often means I don’t have much energy or creativity left.

I struggle with guilt about writing. My family doesn’t see it as important, so I often feel guilty spending the time at the computer, but writing makes me so happy and peaceful. I know it is what I need for my mental health. This year I am going to draw some boundaries and let others know that I need more time to devote to writing.

Resolution #2 I will be more disciplined and focused with my writing time. The computer can become a black hole waiting to steal all your time. I tell myself that I will only glance at social media, but then I’m shocked when I look at the clock and an hour has gone by. I will have certain hours to work, and I will focus on my writing business for that time.

Resolution #3      I am going to ignore the haters and believe my writing matters. Haters are not always strangers. I have someone close to me who makes snide remarks about my writing usually by telling me how little money I make. This year I am going to focus on the positives and not listen to hateful comments. I will prove myself without dropping to the hater’s level.

Resolution #4  I will continue to learn and grow. I have so much more to learn, but I am eager to continue to grow. This year I am going to enter contests, go to conferences, ask questions, and read writing books.

Resolution #5 Finish what I’ve started and push forward. My brain goes in five different directions, so I have several projects going at once. Instead of starting something new, I’m going to finish current projects.

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The Moments That Can Change Your Life

This one is all about you

There are moments in our lives that can change everything, but those moments are different for all of us. It’s important to reflect on those moments from time to time and think about how they have shaped us. Here are a few questions about those moments. I would love to hear your answers.

Who was the person who first saw your passion maybe even before you realized it?

We all need a person in our lives that sees our potential and believes in our ability to achieve it. There will be plenty of people who tell you that what you dream of is impossible, but somehow when one important person tells us we can, it suddenly is in reach.

What words have lifted you up and sustained you on the hard days?

I write down kind words and save sweet notes so I can remember them when I have one of those days when I doubt my ability to do anything right.

What events or decisions changed your life?

There are certain decisions that completely change the path of your life. What made you choose the path you did?

What people or failures made you stronger even though the experience was laced with negativity?

Toxic people and situations are never fun to navigate but they teach us valuable lessons such as resilience. We have to decide to allow toxicity and failure to overwhelm us or find a way to overcome it.

What has been an obstacle or challenge?

We all have those things that stand in our way. The obstacle could be financial, it could be fear, and it could be a lack of self-esteem.

Who are your greatest cheerleaders?

We all need a few people in our corner who always have our back.

What are you proud of?

What are your greatest achievements? Describe those moments when your hard work was rewarded.

How has your family influenced who you are today?

Do you have the same beliefs and morals as your family? What do you want to do differently?

Our lives are formed by so many different choices, circumstances and decisions. I hope you enjoyed reflecting on what shaped yours.

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Please Don’t Give Up. Here Are Some Reasons to Keep Moving Forward

This year has felt heavy to me, and I feel guilty saying that because there have been many blessings this year, but I have struggled to stay motivated and positive in more than one area. Have you felt that way or has this been a successful year for you when you were highly motivated to achieve great things? I am so happy for you if you answered yes, but if you had a few low spots like I did, I would like to offer a few reasons why I hope you never give up on the things you love to do.

  • Success can take time. When it feels like nothing is changing you might be surprised to know how much you are learning and growing.
  • Giving up means you are closing doors that you might have been able to burst through with one more shove.
  • Instead of quitting, adjust. Do what you have been doing but do it differently. Experiment to find out what will bring you success. Running has been my therapy my whole life, but as I’m reaching the end of my sixth decade, my knees have started to be cranky. I cannot run every day or run ten miles straight. I was frustrated several months ago and I stopped running. Last week I realized there was another solution. Instead of stopping, I would adjust my routine. I run 2 miles and walk the rest then I walk the next day and then run. So far it is working great.
  • Not giving up builds resilience and mental strength.
  • Quitting never feels good but pushing forward makes you feel powerful.
  • Even though you might not realize it, there are people who count on you to be you.
  • You never know when a blessing or even a failure could change everything for the better.
  • Your words, your kindness, and your actions could save someone’s life.
  • If your journey didn’t have some walls to break down, you wouldn’t learn some valuable lessons.
  • What if you can be the change maker in someone’s life?

There are so many reasons to keep pushing forward even when you are tired and you feel like life has left you battered and bruised. Something wonderful might be about to happen.

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8 Ways to make it through the day when you don’t want to

It’s one of those days when you want to pull the covers over your head and stay hidden in your warm cocoon of blankets. Once you pull yourself out of bed you sit at the counter with your cup of coffee in your hands and dread the interactions to come.

Would it surprise you to know that even the most positive, upbeat people have those days when everything feels heavy? The secret to making it through when you want to tap out is that you need to have your mental weapons ready. Here are a few ideas to try to boost your mood and motivation.

· Put on your favorite music depending on your mood. If I’m feeling down, I want to hear something soothing, if I am not motivated, I need something I have to move to and I turn it up loud, If I’m angry, I play the best revenge songs. Music is cheap therapy. Sing along to the music as loud as you can and change the words if you want. I was singing a song yesterday and when I sang the chorus my husband started laughing and said, “Jen, those are not the words.” I have been singing the wrong words for years!

· Eat your favorite breakfast. On the bad days, nutritional value doesn’t count unless the days stretch into months. Eat a pop tart or some killer French toast. Good food can boost your mood.

· Remember you have power over your reactions. When my students walked into class in a bad mood, I would always remind them they had the power to turn their attitude around. You cannot always control what happens, but you can control how you react to it.

· Reach out to someone who makes you laugh. You cannot stay depressed for long when you are laughing.

· Share your feelings with those you trust. This year has been heavy for me, but I felt better when I shared those feelings and discovered there were others who felt the same way.

· Do something fun. If you are able, do activities you enjoy like reading or watching movies.

· Go to bed early. Sleep can be a great remedy. When we are sleep deprived everything seems worse.

· Seek professional help if needed. If you are struggling with your mental health, it may be time to ask for professional advice.

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The Mental Strength to Move Forward

 I wrote 101 Tips to Lighten Your Burden because I wanted to help some of the many people who struggle with mental health every day. I hoped I could provide some inspiration to show people the possibilities and the light when they only saw despair and darkness.

I knew I wanted to start the book with how to be in a good place mentally to make it easier for everyone to be able to move forward toward the best life possible. Here are the concepts that begin the book.

You are wonderfully made. Everyone has both weaknesses and special qualities. Don’t try to be anything other than your true self. Your real friends are those who love you exactly as you are. Focus on those strengths that make you shine and improve in areas where you want to be better.

Believe you can. Your beliefs become your reality. At the beginning of each semester, I did an exercise with my students to show them the power of negative and positive thoughts. I would ask for a volunteer and then tell the volunteer that he should hold his arm out at shoulder level and repeat, “I will not drop my arm.” After the student repeated this several times, I would tell him I was going to try to pull his arm down, but he shouldn’t let me. I was never able to make him lower his arm. I then asked him to raise his arm again, but this time I told him to say, “I can’t keep my arm up.” This time when I pulled on the arm, the arm dropped immediately. I wanted my students to realize that their energy could affect the outcome of their efforts.

Do not compare yourself to others. Be careful when you find yourself wishing you were like someone else because you don’t know what hidden burdens that person has. Be the best person you can be and celebrate your success as well as the success of those around you. Be grateful for your blessings and realize that imperfection is more interesting and involves inspirational stories.

Do not allow anyone to limit you.  Even your family and friends can hold you back when they don’t think your dreams are realistic. When I told my husband I wanted to be a writer, he told me he wanted to be a pro golfer but that wasn’t going to happen either. I had to draw some boundaries for his attitude about my writing, and he is now supportive of what I am doing. If you love to do something, move forward and prove the haters wrong.

When I was forty-two, I wanted to have a third child. When I mentioned this to others, the reactions were always negative and included comments about my age, how old I would be when my child graduated high school, and the potential for health problems because I was an older mother. I ignored the comments and had my daughter who is the light of my life. I would have missed out on so much joy if I had listened to others.

These are the basics of working on staying strong mentally. Once you can master these tips, you can move forward to use the next set.

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What’s Life without a few scars and brokenness?

Do you allow toxic thoughts to slip in that tell you what a mess you are and how broken you have become? First, let me assure you that you are not the only one to have those thoughts, but they can cause us harm, but there are ways to turn those thoughts around because your mess and your brokenness are all a matter of perception, so here are a few things to remember, and some action steps to take to go from feeling broken to glorious.

Change your thinking. One of the reasons I wrote this article was because I was lying in bed this morning thinking that I really was a mess then I started to argue with myself by finding a few positives about my messy self. I know I am not the only one to struggle with staying positive about myself. Our mind rules the day, so if we can control how we think, we can change a lot. Switch any negative thoughts to positives and see the difference it makes. Tell yourself you are pretty darn wonderful until you believe it yourself.  

List the good things. What are your best qualities? Are you kind? Loyal? Easy to be with? Make a list.

What have your scars and failures done for you? I am a true believer that the more you fail, the more you learn, and sometimes those failures leave mental and physical scars. I have the most scars from parenting, teaching, and karate. Parenting taught me unconditional love, forgiveness and the importance of boundaries, teaching taught me the importance of relationships, and karate taught me that I should never give up because persistence pays off, I should recognize toxic behavior sooner, and just because someone is the person in charge doesn’t mean he should be. If you never fail you will miss out on some valuable lessons.

What are your most glorious stories? Think about those times when you triumphed and it felt glorious. Write them down and relive that feeling. The first one that came to mind for me was when I was an advocate for my oldest daughter. She had started to go to the special education class during reading time because she was below reading level. She started to tell me that the teacher was yelling at them. I told her that a teacher should never yell, but maybe she had a bad day. Then, she came home and told me the teacher called her a liar. I arranged a meeting for the next day, and I made sure the teacher knew what I thought about her methods.

Keep rising up and bring someone with you. It doesn’t matter how many times you mess up. You have a fresh start every day. Hold yourself together with a sense of humor and a refusal to quit. When you figure something out, share the secret with someone else.

Be happy with who you are. I have been a people pleaser most of my life then suddenly I decided I needed to draw some boundaries to protect my peace. I’m happy with who I am and I’m not going to beg someone to be my friend. Don’t worry what others think of you. Deflect the arrows of the people who think they know what is best for you.

I hope these ideas help you to turn the thoughts around to see how glorious you are!

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Moments That Mattered as a Parent

I know the power of sharing experiences. We often feel that we are alone in our struggles, and as parents, we frequently ask ourselves if we made the right decision. Hearing the experiences of other parents is helpful, whether those experiences reinforce the feeling that we did something right, offer us alternatives for next time, or help us laugh at situations. I am going to pose some questions, give you my response, and encourage you to respond as well, either in the comments, through a discussion with others, or only in your thoughts.

What were some of your sweetest moments as a parent?

  • I loved it when my babies fell asleep on my chest. Even though there were a million things I should do while they were sleeping, I knew these moments were special.
  • Each child developed special interests, and I enjoyed seeing how happy they were when they were doing them. My oldest likes to travel, the middle child loves bugs and photography, and the youngest loved going to a local lake with a net and bowl to catch baby turtles and salamanders.
  • When I would read to them at night, I would start to fall asleep, and they would say, “Mommy, you need to go to bed!”
  • On my 60th birthday, my family gave me a party, and my children told me why they were thankful I was their parent. Considering they told me many times that I was ruining their lives, I appreciated their words.

What were some of your hardest moments as a parent?

  • Sometimes I knew that discipline was the right thing to do, but it was so hard to do. I knew I had to do it, though, because they needed to learn that actions have consequences.
  • Finding out when they had done something wrong was always tough.
  • Seeing all three struggle with depression was gut-wrenching.
  • Although I am thankful that all three are happy, it was hard to have them leave home to start their lives.
  • When my husband was battling addiction and traveling constantly to hide it. I felt like a single parent, and I felt very alone.

When did you sound or act like your parents?

  • I swore I would never worry as much as my mom, but I worry about everything.
  • I know I said, “After everything we have done for you!” at least once.

What do you think you have taught your children?

  • Resilience
  • Be kind
  • Do what’s right
  • Have a good work ethic.

It’s your turn now. How would you answer these questions?

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The Importance of Sharing Your Journey

You know all the struggles you have experienced, or those issues life has thrown your way that you are afraid to reveal? Being transparent about them could help a lot of people who are dealing with similar things. It makes them realize there is hope, and it helps them feel less alone. Your transparency will also help you know that many others are dealing with burdens just like yours.

I don’t usually post about my mental struggles because I don’t want to burden anyone, but a recent experience taught me how wrong I was. Three years ago, I had my first A-fib episode (irregular heartbeat). After many tests and a short time taking a beta blocker, I went two years without any episodes. Unfortunately, the episodes started again recently and became more frequent. I had to go back to my cardiologist, who prescribed a stronger medication and did more heart tests. On top of that, I received a call from my dermatologist saying that I needed another Mohs surgery on my face for skin cancer. It will be the third one in several months. At the same time, I managed to tear my meniscus, and as an avid runner, I know that means I cannot run until it heals. Throw a few personal struggles in, and I had the perfect storm.

I reached out on social media and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. The posts of love and positivity were wonderful, but there was another outcome to my post that made me realize it was the right thing to do. Friends started texting and calling to tell me about struggles they were also experiencing. They had been holding their feelings inside because they were afraid of judgment. They told me they were glad to be able to share with someone.

We often think we are the only ones experiencing something, and we wonder why we cannot find a solution. When we see someone else whom we admire fighting the same battle, it eases our feelings of inadequacy.

When you share your journey, you might have some insight from your experience that could help someone else. You could be much much-needed inspiration.