Jennifer’s writing

                                       

     I think my family is probably not any different from many other families. I have two older children who moved out because they couldn’t wait to taste independence, and they moved back when they realized how expensive the independence was. They moved back with two dogs, two cats, and two chinchillas none of which they are any better at taking care of than before they left. Our house feels a little like Noah’s ark.

     My nine-year old is like a walking tornado. Wherever she passes is left in amazing disarray, trash is spewed among toys and an amazing variety of objects taken from my office can be seen among the rubble.

     My oldest daughter is close to my size which means at any time I wander into her room, I will find three pairs of my shoes, two shirts, and most of my hair ties. She had one of my shirts for so long that when I pointed out it was mine, she was convinced it was hers. The same daughter comes into my room after I have returned from teaching seven classes and being on my feet all day and tells me how exhausted she is after sleeping to twelve and going to one class.

     My son is equally exhausted after playing video games all day and as I am taking all this in, my nine-year old runs in and says “Mommy, what do you want to do with me?” I really want to answer “Mommy wants to take a nap.” But instead I smile and say “whatever you want sweet pea.”

     All three children need something from me. Jess needs to tell me about the teacher who gave a test on material that he didn’t teach or why she cannot find the soul mate that she desperately wants. Tyler needs so much right now as he figures out who he is but he doesn’t know how to ask for the help he needs and I’m not sure how to give it without being intrusive to the adult he has become. Katie just wants my presence. I find myself constantly saying I wish I had more time for this or that or more energy or more time to sleep but the truth is I am happy and grateful for the crazy family I call mine.  

     Later when I’m walking through the house, I trip over something large and squeaky. It could have been Katie’s toy but this time it belongs to the pit bull that always has a toy in her mouth on the slight chance that someone, anyone will play with her. Most days are filled with a cacophony of squeak, squeak, squeak.

     At dinner I hear about how the oldest prefers steak, and my son wishes we could have pizza…again and Katie wants to know how many bites of meat she has to eat.

     When bedtime rolls around, Katie wants me to stay with her after we read and most of the time I fall asleep and then wake up from a noise in the house which is usually the pit bull and the squeak, squeak toy. I take a few more minutes to look at Kate in deep sleep. The look of peace and contentment on her face is worth any talk about her attitude or picking up her playroom.

     I finish the night by climbing into bed and surrounding myself with all the magazines and books I wish I had time to read. Unfortunately, because reading relaxes me so much and well, because I am exhausted, I usually doze off within five minutes with the magazine or book on my chest. I often wake up with a kiss from my oldest daughter as she removes the magazine and turns out the light.

     As my husband slips into bed beside me he whispers “Honey, you seem so tired. Maybe you should let something go. ”This is such a simple concept but so hard to achieve, so for now I will continue to enjoy this crazy, chaotic life that I am so lucky to lead.

                                      

We all hope our children find success and happiness in life but even more important than that we want them to be good people who know the importance of compassion. We need to show them that life doesn’t just revolve around us and that by helping others we can change the world one positive step at a time. Our acts of compassion can start a ripple effect that will continue from one person to the next. Carol S. Ritter a speaker on non-profit and leadership says “Take Care of People – People before Paper, People before Profits, People before Self and People before Projects”

 There are ways to help our children learn compassion and the great thing is that most of them are activities that we can share together. Here are just a few activities that can help you teach your child the value of compassion.

Volunteer        

     There are so many people who need our help that the need for volunteers is huge. You can volunteer at a retirement home, a soup kitchen, or an animal shelter. Most churches need volunteers to help with their outreach projects. Here are some websites to find out more;

www.spca.org      to volunteer with animals

www.giveback.org   a variety of opportunities

http://www.volunteermatch.org/search/index.jsp?r=msa&l=39901    opportunities in Atlanta

www.strength.org    fighting hunger in Atlanta

Make an elderly neighbor dinner        

     You probably have someone in your own neighborhood that could use some compassion. If you know of an elderly couple or someone that is living alone, stop by some night with a prepared meal. Even the gift of your time for a few minutes of conversation would probably be greatly appreciated.

Do an act of kindness

     The wonderful thing about acts of kindness is that they seem to be contagious. Your one simple act could cause a string of similar acts that could brighten up so many people’s days. An act of kindness can be so easy; buy a coffee for the person in line behind you, open the door, or help someone in some small way. Even a smile can lift up someone’s spirit.

Keep a gratitude journal

     Write down what you are thankful for every day and have your child do the same. Talk with your child about all the blessings that you have in your life. When your child sees someone less fortunate than you discuss how lucky you are.

Model compassion yourself

     You are your child’s greatest teacher. They will model what they see you do so let them see you modeling kindness as often as possible.

Feed the homeless

     Go to the dollar store and pick out basic necessities like soap, toothpaste, and deodorant and then make two separate sets of packages for the homeless. One bag will have a set of necessities and the second will have sandwiches and fruit that you and your children have prepared. Go to a local homeless shelter or an area where you know you will find the homeless and distribute the bags. A local school in Atlanta, Mount Paran Christian has a community service day and a group of students goes to downtown parks to distribute the bags. The students commented that giving the bags out made them feel like they were helping someone and it gave them a better understanding of the wide variety of people who need our help.

Write notes of compassion

     Write your child sweet notes and put them in his or her backpack to find them later. Have your child write notes of thanks to teachers. Show them the power of lifting others up with kind words.

It’s All About The Attitude

How many times have you seen a woman who seems to juggle a million things in her life and yet she seems calm and in control? Before you begin to ask yourself why you cannot seem to do it all, let me provide you with a little insight into the life of the woman who seems to be able to balance family and career with ease. I propose that these women only do one thing better than other women and that is they know the importance of attitude. For every situation we find ourselves in, we have choices about how we will react. Every day, we can choose how we view and react to the people and things around us in either a positive or negative way.

I have been told many times that I always seem calm and balanced, but my close friends know the ugly truth. My friends and family think it is hysterical that every time my husband leaves on business, unbelievable things befall me and when he is home, life runs extremely smoothly. I have learned to first deal with whatever happens as best I can, then laugh at the situation and then call both my friends and family to tell them the newest incident. They know what to expect when they hear me say “You are not going to believe this but….” Let me give you several of the tamer examples.

One night the dog was running up and down the stairs constantly. Now I know I should have suspected something was wrong, but I was too tired to get up. The next morning, I got up and there was a false sense of normalcy hanging in the air. I was almost ready to head out the door with my three-year-old. I went upstairs to wake up my two older children. As I was halfway up the stairs, I heard my daughter’s door open, and then she screamed. I ran up with the three-year-old right behind me and discovered that the dog had pooped everywhere. I really was amazed that one medium-sized dog could produce that much poop. I opened the door to my son’s room to discover that the dog had also vomited. I turned back towards my children. My three-year-old thought this was probably the coolest thing she had seen in a long time and my older children had a look of horrified anticipation waiting to see how I would react. I only had a window of five minutes to get out the door for daycare and I had meetings straight through the day so I said, “I’m really not sure when I can clean this up.” Then I turned and left with Katie. When I returned to pick up Jess and Ty, I discovered they had cleaned up everything. A situation that could have been a nightmare ended up being a feel-good experience because of the way we reacted to it.

Another day, we were leaving with seconds to spare to get to the school bus. I turned to tell my son to be careful because the porch was slippery and I then stepped on a patch of ice and although I did not fall, my book bag went flying. Pens were sticking out of leaf piles; papers were blowing down the road. I scooped up what I could and continued to the van where I discovered the doors were frozen shut. When I finally managed to pry open the door, it then would not shut. I drove to daycare holding the driver’s door while my daughter cheered me on saying “c’mon mommy you can do it. Don’t let go! Hold on tight.” When I arrived at school with my precious cup of coffee, I was turning the corner to my room when I slipped on an errant backpack strap and the coffee went everywhere. The girls sitting near the backpack looked horrified and did not know what to do. I started laughing and went to get paper towels. They helped me clean it up and even treated me to a reenactment of how I looked when I slipped.

Today, I came home to find a hawk trapped in our porch. Not a small pretty, easy to chase out the bird, but a hawk! Complete with sharp beak and talons. At first, I had the bright idea to try to shoo him out with a broom, but as I was poking him with the broom, I took a good look at the beady eyes and those talons and decided that maybe the whole broom thing was not a good idea. I convinced one of our science teachers to come and liberate the bird. Did I mention that he had huge talons?

Unfortunately, I could continue to tell more of these stories, but my point is that whenever these events unfold, I can change the outcome and how I feel about that outcome with my attitude and by keeping a sense of humor. I can also teach my children how to react in less than favorable situations. Considering how many things have gone wrong, I think they have the picture. In my opinion, almost everything that we do in life or have to deal with in life can follow this rule. It does not matter what happens to you but how you deal with it. I choose to find the positive whenever possible. Since I think my husband will continue to travel, and I have a feeling that the bizarre incidents will continue, it is a remedy that works for me as well as allowing me a chance to entertain my friends.

A Mom’s Guilt

Mom guilt occurs when a mom does not feel she is doing enough as a parent, or that she isn’t doing something correctly. Moms can face a double-edged sword where no matter what they do, they will be criticized. There are many triggers for mom guilt including thoughts about whether a child is being properly cared for, should a mom stay home, or work, breastfeed or use formula, how to discipline, how much screen time is appropriate, what is good nutrition, and the list continues. While handling all those areas and more, a mother is supposed to find balance in her life, but what she usually finds is total chaos. Mom guilt added to the normal fatigue of parenting is obviously not good for either your mental or physical health, but what can you do? Here are a few ideas to cope with the guilt.

Make a list

List the things that make you feel guilty. Sometimes making a list can make things seem more manageable. Seeing a list will help you stay focused, and a list will help calm your anxiety. Decide if there is any validity in your feeling of guilt for each of the items on your list. Is your child showing signs of being adversely affected by it? Is there anything that will make you feel better about each situation?

Identify the source of the guilt.

Why are you feeling guilty? Reflect on that question with curiosity instead of blame. Is the guilt warranted? What led to the mistake? What would you do differently now? What did you learn? Answering this question will help you to reflect on the guilt you are feeling. Before you can eliminate the guilt, you have to acknowledge it and examine it.

Journal

Writing about your feelings is a healthy form of self-expression and it can help you identify when and why you feel guilty. Journaling helps you to organize your thoughts, allow yourself to self-reflect, and relieve stress. Writing helps us to confront emotions and events. It can make us more self-aware and can make it easier to track our thinking process. It helps us to put things in perspective.

Avoid comparisons

We all wish we could look effortlessly put together, but the average mom is sleep deprived, isn’t sure her makeup is on and is dreaming about losing a few pounds. You will meet the mom who had a baby a week ago and looks like she could rock a bikini or the entrepreneur who seems capable of juggling five things at once and being a supermom. Everyone has something we wished we had, but we don’t see what they have that we would not want. Count your blessings, realize that imperfection is much more interesting and easier to maintain, and don’t waste time wishing you were like someone else when you don’t know what darkness might be below the surface. Be the most glorious version of you that you can be.

Filter the noise

Mom guilt usually comes from other moms. When moms question another mom’s decisions about parenting or offer unasked-for advice, it can cause mom guilt. Imagine if you have been breastfeeding for nine months and someone asks you when you are going to stop and then comments how odd it seems when a woman breastfeeds beyond a year. Breastfeeding is one of many personal decisions that a woman seems to have to defend. At least one person will ask you how you know if your baby is getting enough milk and carrying on activities in public and especially at work can make you wonder if you made the right decision. You will also hear all kinds of crazy advice for your child’s entire life. When people offer comments or advice, all you have to say is, “I appreciate your opinion, but this is what works for us.” If they continue to push back, you can add, “I hope you will respect our choice.”

The other noise you will hear is the moms who constantly brag about their perfect children. There is nothing wrong with celebrating your children, but when it is excessive and the parents also add that their children are the way they are because of their amazing parenting style and then go on to judge other parenting styles, problems can arise. Many parents are good at painting glossy images of perfect children but if you pull back the layers, there are usually quite a few imperfections, so don’t worry if your child isn’t bringing home all the awards.

Trust your instincts

A mom’s instinct is a real thing. If you trust your gut in a situation that requires a decision, you will usually find that you made the right choice. I can always tell if my children have a fever by feeling their forehead, but my husband says he is never sure. He thinks I have magical powers. Do what you know is the right choice not necessarily what will be the popular choice. If guilt slips in because the decision makes your children unhappy, feel confident that you made a choice for their best interests.

Listen to your children (In moderation)

Your children will let you know if you are doing a good job. We started taking our children to restaurants when they were tiny, and we taught them how to behave. When they were older, they would see a child misbehaving, shake their heads, and say, “That child does not know how to act in a restaurant.”

I always loved when they would acknowledge when they had done something wrong and tell me the punishment before I could open my mouth to pronounce the sentence. They knew the boundaries and the consequences.

Your children will also try to play you which is why I said listen in moderation. If they criticize you for something you know you do not do, let it go and carry on without letting any guilt take hold.

Let some things go.

You do not have to have a spotless house, well-groomed animals, and a perfectly manicured lawn to be a good parent. Life can be chaotic, so when you have a lot going on, it’s o.k. to let something go.

Practice self-care

Moms often feel guilty about taking time for themselves, but you will be better able to take care of others if you take care of yourself. Think of the safety procedures in an airplane. When the oxygen mask falls, you are instructed to put it over your face first and then your child’s because you need to be capable of helping him.

Give yourself grace

You are doing one of the hardest, most important, most frustrating, rewarding jobs there is and you are going to make mistakes. If you approach parenting with love and good intentions, you are doing fine. Accept that not all your decisions will be perfect and that you will have some moments you might want to forget, but you will get back up and try again.

Surround yourself with the right people.

Everyone needs a support system. Find people who have the same values and who will laugh with you when things get messy. Listen to valued sources of information and separate yourself from negative people.

Ask for help

Find the support you need whether it is to find someone to babysit your child or find some resources for mental health. Parenting is overwhelming, so ask for help when you need it.

Here are some resources to help moms. Screamin Mamas is a magazine for moms of all ages. You can read it on their website at https://screaminmamas.wixsite.com/screaminmamas

Here are some great websites. https://infoaboutkids.org/, https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting/resilience-tip-tool, https://kidsactivitiesblog.com/62777/going-back-to-work-staying-home

https://happyyouhappyfamily.com/stop-feeling-overwhelmed/

https://www.mothermag.com/resources-for-parents/

https://biglifejournal.com/blogs/blog/growth-mindset-resources?epik=dj0yJnU9S0xPQ3ZEVmFLNF82VEJfOF9TRFlYeTJzUUczOWRtN1QmcD0wJm49MnZMeFFIamRiTFhua0FSMzNQRzBHdyZ0PUFBQUFBR0ZUc0Q0&utm_source=pinterest&utm_medium=social

 

If you are looking for activities and educational support, you can go to www.abcteach.com

Use affirmations for yourself and others

Tell moms you know that they are doing a great job and give yourself applause when you know you are winning as a parent. When you need a lift, use some of the following affirmations to remind yourself how wonderful you are.

I matter. I am worthy of good things. I am strong. I am loved. I am a good parent.

Remember It’s not always your fault when your child does something wrong. As you do your best to be a good parent, you will make mistakes, learn from them, give yourself grace, and do what is right for your family.

     After the fanfare from the wedding subsides and the bags are unpacked from the honeymoon, it is time to figure out how to make the new marriage prosper. New couples have to learn how to live together and combine two lives into one while still maintaining some individuality. Every new bride can use some advice, and although I am not an expert, I have gained some wisdom in thirty-seven years of marriage that I would like to share.

Be flexible

Be willing to change plans, try something new, go somewhere different, meet someone new. Be open to new things and don’t be afraid of a little change. Living with someone is going to require give and take.

Talk behind his back

Talk behind his back, but make sure it is positive. Let people know what an amazing man you have. Save your complaints for your best friend or your mom.

Support each other

It is so sad to see two people tearing each other down while listing each other’s faults. Be each other’s best friends and be the one who is always there with support and unconditional love.

Let things go

There are certain things that my husband does that drive me crazy, but if I brought up everything that annoys me, it would cause all sorts of issues. Let the small stuff go. Pick what your battles are and try to ignore the rest.

Have a sense of humor

This should probably be number one because it is so important. Laugh at your mistakes and try not to take life too seriously. Laughing together is the best medicine.

Keep your own interests

Being married does not mean that you have to try to become someone else or be interested in the same things that your husband likes. Keep doing the things that you feel passionate about and share your experiences with your husband without expecting him to engage in them or that he demands that you participate in his.

Be interested in him

Show an interest in your husband and really listen to what he says even when it’s something that you really might not understand why he likes it. Expect the same from him. Ask for his advice and make him feel that his opinions really matter to you.

It’s the little things

There are so many little gestures to show that you love someone. It could be through food, helping with something, leaving a card, or just saying I love you. Show you care.

Think before reacting

My husband sometimes says things that I interpret differently than what he meant. Before you react to something that was said, check for understanding. It is a good idea to take a few minutes before reacting to anything. Give yourself time to assess the situation.

Communicate

You have to communicate in order to make a marriage work. Talk about what’s on your mind. What are your dreams, your needs, your opinions? Work out your differences as well as encouraging each other in your daily routine.

                                            A Mom’s Life #1

When my oldest daughter Jessica had a baby three months ago, we started talking about many of the challenges moms face, and we both agreed that moms lack enough resources to take care of the many situations they must control. We also agreed that moms need each other to discuss our joys, fears, triumphs, and failures, and we need to be able to talk about everything transparently and without judgment. Imagine if we help each other as mothers and share both the wisdom of experienced mothers and the fresh perspectives of first-time moms. We could help each other to relieve stress and brainstorm solutions for many of the topics that are relevant in a mom’s life.

 Jessica asked me to start a blog series about these topics and we are also going to do a podcast to match each blog. I hope you will follow us at www.jenniferswriting.org and I hope you will tell us what topics you would like to hear us discuss. I have been frustrated that many parenting magazines focus on articles about newborns and toddlers but parenting is forever and there are important issues to deal with at every age. We will be talking about a wide range of ages and issues including how to support a new mom, mothers and mental health, depression and children, self-care for moms, mom guilt, special needs children, easy screen-free activities, the college process, and many more topics.

Being a mom is a roller-coaster with highs and lows, and at some point, you will experience every emotion imaginable. A mom needs to be resilient, tough, kind, forgiving, wise, open, protective, loving, and capable of laughing at some very messy moments. Moms need to know that imperfection is beautiful as long as it is surrounded by love and good intentions. You will hear people talk about finding balance, but a full life is slightly tilted and chaotic. You will need to let a few things go and set some priorities. You also must take care of yourself so that you can be there for those you love.

One of the most important points I keep stressing to my daughter is that you will hear all kinds of advice on what to do, and some of it will be crazy. Do what works for you and your children and as long as you are happy and you and your children are thriving, the judgments and the “correct” way to do something are only noise.  

As we work through the many different topics, please know that I am not claiming to be a parenting expert. I have three children and I have taught for forty years. I would like to share what my experiences have taught me. I hope the discussions can help you, and that you feel comfortable using what works for you and passing on what does not.

Our next video and blog will be on mom guilt and I will have that completed soon. I hope you will follow and interact with us.   

10 Pieces of Advice from The Mother of The Bride

1. Be prepared for crazy. I have a friend who said the minute the engagement was announced, the crazy would start, and she was right. It came in different forms, from strange advice, to prophesies of imminent doom for any marriage, to strange family behavior and unusual and not always logical requests from the bride.
2. Remember it is her day. The wedding day is about the bride and groom so unless there is an unusual circumstance or something is too costly, the decisions should come from them. No matter how badly you want to do something your way, it is not your day.
3. Stand up for the Bride. You are going to have to interact with quite a few service providers and you will have to step in at least once to make sure that the experience of wedding preparation is a good one. My chance to do this came when we went wedding dress shopping. We went to a beautiful, but tiny boutique and when we entered, the woman who was in charge of taking care of us never greeted us or told us her name. She immediately said, “There are too many of you to go back to the viewing area.”, to which I replied “I guess this is a bad time to tell you that the maid of honor isn’t here yet.” She said “four of you can come back (we had 9) and the rest have to stay up here.” Um no. Everything worked out after some boundaries were established.
4. Break with Tradition When Necessary. When my daughter asked me to speak at the reception, my first thought was I think it’s just supposed to be the father, but I spent hours in excruciating pain bringing her into the world, and then experienced every emotion known while bringing her up. I think that I can find a few things to say.
5. Have a sense of humor. There will be things that happen that will make you shake your head, and others that leave you with your mouth open in shock. No matter what happens, try to laugh at it. Share the moments with friends and feel better when they are equally shocked at the stories. 
6. Be patient. This is a special life moment and hopefully will be the only marriage for your daughter so when another crazy request comes to you or something does not go as planned, just breathe and say “Oh, well.”
7. Enjoy the moments. Instead of always worrying or trying to manage the moment, enjoy what is happening. Soak up being with friends and family and experiencing an amazing event of a lifetime with your daughter.
8. Realize that everyone will have at least one meltdown.  There is just too much at stake to think that everything will go smoothly without stress, so just realize that when tears come, just listen and try to provide some reassurance and calm.
9. Do something special for your daughter.      You have a special bond with your daughter, and amid all the chaos, let her know how much she is loved. I found a book called what I love about you where you can insert different things that make her special to you.
10. Have a plan B. Something is going to go wrong. It’s just inevitable. I ordered amazing wedding shower favors and a beautiful door hanging of multi colored Gardenias. They all came the day after the shower. I ordered a personalized sash for the bride and when it arrived, her future last name was spelled incorrectly. As long as the bride and groom show up at the altar, the rest will just be a humorous memory.

                           

     In my opinion, anyone who runs is a runner regardless of size, age, or speed, but there are some qualities that seem to stand out among runners. Here are the ingredients that I think it takes to make a runner.

Several cups of grit

Runners are tough. No matter where a runner is in the running journey, a runner greets any setbacks with plan b. While someone else might give up when faced with a challenge, a runner finds a way around it.

An ample sprinkling of positive attitude

Attitude is slightly different from grit because the difference between positive or negative can effect your level of grit. A runner with a positive attitude will have a five minute pity party when an injury or illness knocks him down, but then the runner will look beyond the setback to coming back stronger with healing.

A dash of love for running shoes

Most runners run on a variety of terrains so it is a good idea to have shoes to meet the different demands. I have lightweight shoes for short runs, light trail shoes for middle distances, shoes with cushions for marathons, and heavy duty trail shoes for ultras. There is no doubt that I am a runner when you look in my closet.

A pinch of resiliency

All runners have to deal with injuries big and small during their running careers, but most runners will be back running as soon as possible. We have an amazing ability to bounce back which has something to do with the grit and attitude.

A dusting of fearlessness

I know quite a few runners who are willing to try things that most people would laugh at, and these runners will tell you how much fun they had while others think they are crazy. I have a terrible fear of heights and I don’t much like obstacles, but when my friend who was fighting cancer asked me to run a Mudder race with her, I said yes without hesitation. Every time I had to climb over another high obstacle and plummet down the other side, I just made myself think of my friend. All runners have a little bit of crazy inside, the urge to try something unknown that pushes us out of our comfort zone.

Seasoning to taste of competitiveness

We are competitive with ourselves, with our friends, and with the runner who has been on our heels for the entire race. We always want to be better, faster, stronger.

     If you put all these ingredients together, and let the qualities rise to the top, you will find the average runner, and although the recipe will never yield exactly the same results every time, the average runner is still a glorious thing to behold.