Jennifer’s writing

Yesterday, I saw an ad for a show about a couple who were building an enormous estate called Versailles. I couldn’t help but wonder why you would want a home that massive. Every house needs a few things or spaces that make your house special to you and the size doesn’t really matter.

What are the favorite parts of your house? Do you love to be in the kitchen because that is where families and friends gather to share food? Is it a front porch where you can watch the neighborhood or read a good book? Is it your bedroom where you can escape a long day under the covers, or do you have a creative space that is specific to you?

In my house, I have several favorite spots. In the sunroom, we have a couch that is so comfy and roomy. When you lie on it, you sink into the cushions, and there are several blankets on top for cooler days. It is under the skylights, so when it rains, the sound lulls you to sleep. The room where I write has everything that makes me calm and happy. There are pictures of family, words of inspiration, and kind notes. There is another smaller sofa in there that the cats and dog sleep on to keep me company. The room has many floor to ceiling windows, so it is full of light and I can look out into our backyard and the garden,

I have a small green space, and I enjoy watching the plants grow and I love nurturing them.

I love food so the kitchen will always be one of my favorite spots. I have always thought that offering food is a way to show love and make someone happy. Everyone always hangs in the kitchen while we eat and talk.

Having a fireplace has always been a must for me. On cold or rainy days, it is comforting to have a warm blaze crackling in the fireplace.

My porch is one of my favorite places to be. In the morning, I take my coffee out there and walk around it taking in the beauty around me. We have a hammock, a wood swing, and a chair swing, so I have options for swinging on a beautiful afternoon. I have fallen asleep a few times out there too.

I hope you have spots in your house where you enjoy being, and that makes you want to hurry back home.  

As a society, we spend so much time worrying about our physical health, but if our mental health isn’t balanced, it can affect everything in our lives. We need to find some techniques to ease our minds, reduce our stress, and recharge. One of the ways to do this is to have some moments when we can focus on activities we enjoy and find contentment with a mental sweet spot.

In Christine Carter’s article, Three Tricks to Help Find Your Sweet Spot, she describes the mental state like this, “Athletes call this mental state being in “The Zone”; psychologists call it “flow” or peak experience, and they have linked it to leading a life of happiness and purpose. Lao Tzu, the ancient Chinese philosopher who authored the Tao Te Ching, called it “doing without doing” or “trying without trying.”

I think of this mental state as our “sweet spot,” where we have both great strength and great ease; it’s the mental state when our best work emerges without strain or anxiety. Instead of making our most powerful effort, we get to experience our own effortless power.”

Have you ever been so focused that you don’t even realize you are performing an activity? It is what the author above describes as being in the zone. It happens to me when I run. I can focus so completely on moving through my run that I have had people tell me they passed me in a car and waved at me and I did not respond. I tell them I didn’t see them because I was in my head, but I’m not sure they understand. I can also be in the zone when I am reading. I can become so lost in the story that I don’t hear anything else until my daughter calls my name the second time.

You can follow a few steps to find your sweet spot.

• Get rid of distractions. If you are working at your desk, put away your phone, turn off e-mails, and remove anything else that will disrupt your concentration.
• Avoid interruptions. Block off your calendar, put the phone away, put a do not disturb sign on your door, and generally let people know you need some time to concentrate.
• Turn on some good music. Athletes know the power of music to motivate, focus, and block out distractions. When we went to karate competitions, we put our headphones in and didn’t have conversations with other competitors. Our sensei said, “Until the competition is over, the other competitors are not your friends. Do not let them be a distraction.”
• Breathe deeply. Practicing deep breathing can calm you and help you focus.

Pay attention to how you feel doing different activities. When are you happy and productive, or achieving a goal at the same time, and you feel like it all flows? That is your sweet spot.

The way you start your morning can shift your mood, and that mood could influence your attitude for the rest of the day. Let me give you two examples of two different starts in the morning. On weekdays, my husband goes to the gym and then brings me home a coffee that I take out to the garden and backyard as I ease into the morning. When I can start a day like that I feel calm and ready to be productive. On Saturday, we go to the gym together. Last Saturday, when I came downstairs, my daughter called me and started to express her anger at several of her work situations. The emotions she was expressing were overwhelming me because I wasn’t completely awake, and well, I hadn’t had coffee yet. I was grumpy for half of the day before I could turn my mood around.

Jodi Clarke writes for Very Well mind, “Creating a morning routine is not focused on who can accomplish the most or check off more boxes than everyone else. Instead, it is about allowing yourself to begin your day with confidence, peace, and a positive attitude.

Starting the day this way can allow us to effectively complete tasks and to handle things that come our way without constantly feeling stressed or overwhelmed.”

Here are a few ideas to help you start the morning off the right way.

Prepare what you need for the day the night before. Pick out the clothes to be worn, meals and snacks, and any materials that need to leave the house. Put anything that needs to leave with you near the front door. Have a key hanger near the door too and get in the habit of always putting them there.

Instead of pressing snooze, get up and use the extra time to move at a more relaxed pace.

Exercising in the morning is good because you will get it done early, and it will perk you up.

Practice being quiet for a few minutes in the morning. You could pray, search for inspirational quotes you could share with others, meditate, or take some time to reflect.

Eat something healthy for breakfast. Food is fuel, and in the morning, you are breaking your fast.

Find the routine that works for you that will put you in a frame of mind to have a great attitude, be more productive, and be less stressed.

                                              Life Lessons From My Dog

Have you ever watched your pet and thought he knew how to live life better than most people? That’s what I think when I watch my dog Bandit. Here are a few life lessons I think we could learn from him.

• Every day is a new adventure. Bandit comes out of his crate excited about the possibilities that the day holds. It doesn’t matter what the weather is, he is ready to head outside and play. Why do we let so many things weigh on us? What if we chose joy no matter what?
• Food is meant to be enjoyed. Our dog loves food and knows the names of some. He perks up when he hears us say pup cup, (A cup of whip cream that some fast-food restaurants give dogs), or peanut butter. He waits expectantly when I finish my meal because I let him clean my plate. He enjoys good food with gusto instead of making it overly complicated like we do.
• Exercise can be fun.
• He has learned not to stick his nose where it doesn’t belong like down a suspicious-looking hole.
• He knows the power of a good nap in the sun.
• Bandit has learned that different dogs need to be treated in different ways. The dog behind us is old with a bad back, and Bandit knows he only wants to be greeted and sniff a bit. The puppy across from us wants to run and then hide under the treehouse, and the dog next to us wants to chase and play.
• He knows that simple things like a tennis ball are best.
• He gives love freely because it is as natural as breathing.
• Making friends is not complicated, share a stick and start playing.
• If something makes you happy, do it over and over. (the tennis ball)
• Following rules can keep you safe. We taught him to wait for a command to leave the car, and to eat so that he doesn’t grab something that fell on the floor that might be harmful to him.

I know he will continue to teach me important things. He has been sitting near my elbow the whole time I have been writing this. He wants to make sure I get it right.  

If you wanted to do something epic and there wasn’t anything to limit you, what would you do? If you could answer that quickly, what is holding you back? I think the answer to that question is probably money or fear or both. I don’t want to come to an age where I think back and say, “I wish I had the courage to do that.” Here is a basic plan to achieve your epicness.

Believe you can do it. We tend to defeat ourselves before a plan even gets off the ground. We are afraid of failing and finding out our dream was unachievable. Failure will actually make you wiser and stronger, and every time you fail you need to get back up and approach it another way. When you finally achieve your epic adventure, it will be amazing.

Stop worrying about what others think. I wish I could convince more people how liberating this is. You will never win if you are worried about everyone liking what you do. No matter how epic you are, someone will find some reason to poke at you. It is the best feeling when you are content enough with what you are doing that you don’t care what others think. You don’t have to prove yourself.

Make a plan. How will you achieve your amazing moment? I went to a conference where the speaker said, “Think of something you really want to do, but something is limiting you. Figure out how to break through those limitations. My sister had loved everything about France, and one day, she said very sadly, “I will never be able to see France.” As a French teacher, I knew I could be her guide, but money was my limitation. I sat down and made a budget to put aside money each month so I could take her, and that trip was worth every penny. Open to the possibilities and look for plan B to make it work.

Ask for help. Has anyone else you know already achieved this epic adventure? Ask this person all your questions.

Go do it. Sometimes you just need to do something crazy, so go do your epic thing and document it.

In case you were wondering what my epic adventure would be, I have two. I would like to rent a house in France for a month and immerse myself in the culture, and I would like to run a 100-mile ultra-marathon. (The longest I’ve run is 42 so far) It’s probably time for me to start following my advice!

Several days ago, I had gum surgery and was told I could not run for several days, so I was at the gym walking on a treadmill next to a young man who was making it obvious he was not enjoying his workout. He kept lifting the towel he had draped over the monitor and then sighing. The next time he lifted the towel I said, “No peeking.” He started telling me how much he hated cardio, that he used to run, but he didn’t want to ruin his knees. He continued to tell me why he wanted to avoid cardio, especially running, so finally I told him I was a runner and I loved it. I knew if I told him my knees were doing great at sixty-four and running isn’t the knee wrecker that it has the reputation of being, he wouldn’t hear me. I answered his questions about my running, listened to more of his stories, and then headed home. There are times when you are wasting your time trying to change someone’s opinion when they are so sure that they are correct. Ask yourself if your opinion would have helped the situation in some way. In my case, the man wanted to tell me his story. He wasn’t interested in me convincing him to give running another try.

I have a family member who is very different from me because of his views, values, interests, and hobbies. I still love this person very much, but he feels the rest of the family judges him because of these differences, and he has distanced himself from us. I spent so much time trying to figure out how to prove we did not judge him, and to convince him not to turn his back on his family until one day, I had two realizations. The first one was I had to stop trying to control the situation and him because it was stealing my joy. The second was that I will always love him, but I don’t need to beg someone to spend time with me. Those two realizations were very liberating and will possibly slowly heal the relationship. My trying to prove to him that he was wrong, would not improve the situation.

Abraham Lincoln once quipped, “You can please all of the people some of the time, and you can please some of the people all of the time, but you can’t please all the people all the time.” Give your time to the people who matter most and who want to be with you.

It’s not that you don’t want your voice heard, just decide when it matters, and when it can make a difference. Sometimes instead of voicing your opinion to prove you are right, ask questions to lead the person to the truth that he hasn’t been able to see yet.

In the article, How Do Family Relationships Influence Us, author Catherine Jones says, “Many studies have proven that family relationships greatly impact people throughout their life, especially the relationships formed during early childhood.  Family relationships can greatly affect children and shape who they become as adults.” 

I remember saying I would never worry about things as much as my mother did. Unfortunately, I worry about everything. I worked for my dad for several years, and my strong work ethic is from him. He would always tell me that when you are working, you should never be idle. There is always something else you can do. There are many things they taught me, and I think those beliefs, values, and traits will be with me always. How did your parents influence you?

The article, 11 Science-Backed Ways Your Parent’s Behavior Shaped Who You Are Today, on Business Insider says, “Countless studies and extensive clinical research have found links between your parents’ behavior during childhood and how you act like an adult. If your mother was constantly juggling multiple jobs, you’re likely to suffer from stress. If your parents set high expectations for you, you were more likely to perform better in school.”

If you are a parent, do you see your tendencies in your children? I am grateful that all three of my children believe in kindness as much as I do. My oldest is the most like me, and unfortunately, she is copying many of my character traits that I finally learned to change. These include being driven, and unable to sit still for long without feeling guilty. I watch her doing too much and struggling with stress, but when I tell her she needs to slow down, she says, “Mommy, I learned this from you.” What have you taught your children?

Our children are watching and listening to us all the time. We have amazing potential to shape them to be amazing adults, and we will stumble sometimes too. This article, 11 Science-baked Ways Your Parent’s Behavior Shaped Who You Are Today, is an interesting read.

https://www.businessinsider.com/how-your-parents-behaviors-shape-who-you-are-today-2019-7

I have always believed that parenting is about doing your best with what you have, doing it with love, and realizing that you don’t have to be perfect to be a good parent.

I love seeing a simple gesture that has a profound impact. It shows me that making a difference is often so easy. The reason those gestures can have such a big impact is because we all struggle at some point, and small acts of kindness are needed and appreciated. One of the thoughts that I believe strongly in is, that you have no idea what the person next to you is struggling with, so be kind always.

Scott Alwyn, senior director of addiction and mental health for Covenant Health says, “It’s not always easy to tell whether someone is struggling. There’s no downside in reaching out and offering encouragement, even if that person is doing well,” says Scott. “If you’re unsure how to approach someone who seems like they may be struggling, simply tell them that you thought they could use a little encouragement or some positive feedback”. “There’s no bad time,” says Scott. “Appreciation, positive feedback, and meaningful connection with people are never out of season.”

Have you ever met someone who seems like they don’t have a care in the world, but as you start delving deeper into the conversation, you are speechless because of what this person is going through? I always think we are put in certain situations like that to help the person in some way, and sometimes taking the time to listen is the gift the person needs.

What are some simple gestures that have had an impact on you? Here are a few that I appreciated. I came from a five-mile race to babysit my grandson. My daughter hugged me and said, “Mom, you are so cold! Do you want me to wait until you take a hot bath?” I said no, but it felt good to have her worry about me. My youngest is always asking when I am coming home, and when I walk in the door, she runs down the stairs with a huge smile. She makes me feel loved. My husband is the king of small gestures that matters. He fills up my car with gas, goes out in stormy weather, and does a million other things to take care of us. When a friend brings me food or takes the time to check-in, that is a simple gesture that I appreciate as well.

Here are some ideas for small gestures you can make.

Write a note of encouragement. Scott Alwyn, senior director of addiction and mental health for Covenant Health says, “A handwritten note isn’t common anymore. It’s a very visible display of somebody taking a few minutes to consciously reach out and send somebody a message. It’s a small but meaningful investment.”

Put your cell phone down and listen completely. We are so distracted by social media and our responsibilities, that taking the time to fully listen to someone shows them we have an interest in them. We value them enough to give them our time. Don’t feel the need to fill the conversation with your story, or convince them of your point of view, let them talk.

Use touch when appropriate. Human touch is healing. I am a hugger and I have been known to hug my share of strangers when I thought they needed it. When we were going through the beginning of COVID, my students who would come in to ask for advice would ask, “Am I allowed to hug you?” Hugs are healing. There are of course some people who do not want to be hugged, so you have to develop a hug meter.

Give a small gift that shows you know the person. I am slightly addicted to sausage biscuits from Mcdonald’s. I have a friend who brings one in for me anytime he picks something up there. When he does that, it makes me feel good that he was thinking of me, but it also shows that he knows something about me.

Food is love, so gift it often. Good food can lift anyone’s spirit.

People need to feel seen, known and heard, and small gestures can do that.

Do you trust your first impression of people? I think I am a good judge of character, and my first impression is usually close to reality, but once I was very wrong.

When I was teaching French, a student walked into my classroom on the first day of school. It would be better to say he strutted into the room. My first impression of him was that teaching him might be a struggle because I would have to find a way to get along with his ego. I could not have been more wrong. This student had been placed in a boy’s group home because he was in a family of thirteen children, and his parents could not adequately care for him. He was sent to our school because someone saw the amazing potential he had. I soon saw that potential, and over the years that I taught him French, he was always there to help out with the French activities. He went on after college to start a graphic design business using the French name, I gave him for class. He became a part of my family. Twenty years later, we keep in close contact, and he calls me mom.

Have you ever been wrong about your first impression of someone? How do we form those impressions? Psychology Today says, “It takes a mere seven seconds to make a first impression. People thin-slice others based on how a person looks and sounds, more so than their explicit verbal statements. Often, someone’s first impression is influenced by implicit attitudes of which they are unaware, which explains impulsive actions like giving special preference to those with physical beauty or more easily trusting a person who has a babyface. The observational powers (biases) of the observer are just as important as the qualities projected by the target, or person being judged, making these judgments a constant dance between objective information and selective signal-reading.”

There are certain factors that people use to make first impressions that are out of our control. Pre-conceived notions, reactions to certain facial features, and voices can all determine the first impression. We can make those first impressions because of stereotypes too. On one of my school trips to France, I stayed with one of the French teachers. When you meet a friend in France, you give them a kiss on both cheeks. Because the teacher I was staying with was a friend of my friend Laurent, I knew she would be my friend as well, so I gave her the cheek kisses (la bise). Claude told me later I had surprised her because she thought Americans were cold and distant and would never do la bise. With that simple gesture, I changed her impression of me and her stereotype of Americans.

Have you ever asked someone about his first impression of you? What impact did that impression make? As a new teacher mentor, I asked one of the new teachers at the end of the year what her first impression had been about the school. She told me that when I hugged her the first time we met, she instantly knew everything would be o.k. because she received a warm welcome.

How can we make a good first impression? Here are a few ideas from Healthline.

Turn towards the person you are speaking with.

Make some eye contact.

Dress well.

Don’t express strong or judgmental opinions the first time you meet someone.

Psychology today adds the following.

Show a genuine interest in what the person is saying.

Don’t dominate the conversation.

Don’t reveal too much too soon.

Good luck making great first impressions!

In the article, The State of Sleep health in America, on the website, sleephealth.org, the author states, “At least 25 million Americans (1 in 5 adults) suffer from sleep apnea, a serious sleep, and breathing condition linked to hypertension, cognitive impairment, heart disease, and stroke. Chronic insomnia affects at least 10 percent of Americans. Sleep disorders affect members of every race, socioeconomic class, and age group. Despite the high prevalence of sleep disorders, the overwhelming majority of sufferers remain undiagnosed and untreated, creating unnecessary public health and safety problems, as well as increased health care expenses. National surveys show that more than 60 percent of adults have never been asked about the quality of their sleep by a physician, and fewer than 20 percent – have ever initiated such a discussion.”

There is a television ad that has been airing recently with individuals struggling to use the breathing machines used for sleep apnea. The man is snoring loudly with the machine in different positions, while his wife is wide awake, staring at him. Her expressions make us laugh because most of us can all relate to the person snoring and robbing us of sleep, but that lack of sleep is no laughing matter, so what can we do?

Let’s look at some of the causes of sleep deprivation and then see how we can solve them. Michael J. Breus Ph.D. is an author on WebMD. He says that the following can influence our sleep.

An interruption to our routine

Exercise too close to bedtime

Alcohol or drugs

Psychological stressors like conflict, exams, projects, anything that leaves your brain on overdrive.

Caffeine

Aging is also a factor in our sleep patterns.

Dr. Breus suggests a pre-sleep routine where you give your mind some time to wind down. He suggests reading something light or taking a hot bath.

Here are a few ideas to help with sleep.

Keep the bedroom a comfortable bedroom

Consider not having the animals sleep with you.

Use white noise to control other noises that might wake you. A fan works and YouTube has a large choice.

If you share a bed with someone, talk to them if they do things that wake you up. When my husband turns over, he bounces, and I take air.

Don’t drink fluids too close to bedtime, so you can eliminate the need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

A heavy meal too close to bed may cause problems.

Don’t exercise too close to bedtime.

I hope you find some relief if you suffer from insomnia, and I hope your doctor can help.