Jennifer’s writing

I know talking about your death is not a fun subject, but it is an important one to discuss with your family. I know some people have the attitude of why should you care because you will be dead, but it would be nice to make it easier for your family to settle your affairs in a calm, organized manner. Here are a few things you might want to discuss.

Make a will

You have worked hard for what you have, and you may want certain possessions to go to certain people, or you may wish to donate to a charity. A will makes your wishes clear. It is very easy to make one, and it is not expensive. There are several online sites that will walk you through setting up your will.

Choose an executor

Pick someone to administer the wishes in the will. If you have a family member who might swoop in and loot and pillage, help the executor know what to do to keep that from happening.

State your burial wishes

Do you want to be buried or cremated? Do you want to be buried in a certain place? If you are cremated, what do you want your family to do with the ashes?

Ask your family if there is a particular possession they want

My youngest wants my wedding dress, and both daughters have asked for my wedding rings. (I have my own, but also my mother’s and grandmothers) When my parents passed, I asked for a Bible that has been in the family for several hundred years. There may be possessions that are special for someone.  

Put important documents together

Have a safe spot where the family can locate titles, deeds, account information, and other important information. I would advise only telling the executor where that is located.

We can be our own worst enemy when it comes to beliefs that hold us back. We can convince ourselves that we cannot do something before we even attempt it. Most of these lies affect us either mentally or physically and eliminating them can make us better. Here are a few we can do without.

You are not good enough

I struggle with this one myself, and I know many other people do too. I always have that feeling that I should have done a better job, or that someone will ask me why I am even trying to do a certain task. It is something I am always working on changing and encouraging others to do the same because it can defeat you mentally and keep you from doing what you love. I practice saying positive things about what I do, and I keep positive notes from people who I have helped as well as uplifting messages.

I have a friend who wants to be an ultra-runner, but she has convinced herself she cannot do it. I have been at several events with her, and she always stops around eighteen miles. It’s her mental wall. Running is more mental than physical, so I am hoping she can bust through that wall and meet her goals.

I’m not a good mom

I think most moms feel this at some point in the parenting journey. We have to make some hard decisions for the good of our children and they are not always happy with us. When my youngest finished public middle school, I signed her up to come to the private high school where I worked. She was angry with me for her whole freshman year because she wanted to stay with her friends in public schools. After her first semester in college, she apologized to me and thanked me for the education she received. That was a very hard time for me. As long as you are providing your children with food, shelter, basic needs, and plenty of love while doing your best to be a good parent, you are probably doing o.k.

I’m not worthy

This translates to I don’t deserve this, and it is slightly different from I’m not good enough because this one is about guilt, and the sense that you haven’t done enough, sacrificed enough or worked hard enough to deserve something. You deserve happiness, and you are worthy to have that happiness.

I don’t have time

This is the lie that I hear the most, especially as an excuse for not exercising. It usually sounds like this, “I would exercise if I didn’t have a job. I just don’t have time.” You can find time in your day for anything that should be a priority. We could get back a lot of our time if we didn’t play with our phones as much.

I can’t exercise because my joints hurt

This is the domino lie. I can’t exercise because my joints hurt, but my joints hurt because I don’t exercise. Another excuse that is keeping you from feeling better.

I can’t lose weight

In order to lose weight, you have to have a realistic body image, so saying I’m meant to be fat, I’m a fat girl, or I’m big-boned, are all lies that mean you don’t have to put in the effort to be healthy. You also have to have a sustainable eating plan. You won’t lose weight starving yourself or eating two bars a day that taste like cardboard.

I’m doing a good enough job at work

There is often a big divide between good enough and good. Good enough sounds like you do the minimum to get by every day.

It’s someone else’s fault

This lie allows you to play the victim instead of accepting responsibility for your actions.

I deserve this

This lie means that even though you haven’t worked for something, saved for it, or met certain criteria, you think you are entitled to it. An example would be someone who goes on a lavish vacation but cannot pay rent upon returning home. Another example is when a student asks a teacher how he can get an A in the class even though he missed 8 out of 16 classes and has failed 3 out of 4 tests.

There are many laws regarding age including the age to drive, vote, and drink, but there are also many age restrictions that society places on us, or that we place on ourselves. You have to decide which ones you think are valid, and which ones you should break through. Here is a short list of these age restrictions.

Being too old for children

I hear women in their early thirties saying that they will be too old in a year or two to have children. Everyone’s situation is different, but I also thought of the thirties as the perfect time to have children. I was still trying to figure life out in my twenties, become comfortable in my career, and grow my relationship with my husband. I had two children in my early thirties, and then I had a third when I was 43. I felt strongly that the time was right to have one more, but every time I asked someone what she thought, I was told it was a terrible idea. This was an example for me of a time when you should listen to your own instincts because my daughter Katie is the light of my life, and while I watched many people become empty nesters, I still have her for a few more years with me, and I am enjoying every minute.

I would advise people to think first about their health and their financial ability to care for a child. A certain age can be completely different for people, so check with your doctor.  

Thinking you are too young or old to be taken seriously

Many people think younger people don’t know much because they haven’t had enough of a chance to learn life experiences, but that is a huge mistake because every person you meet has something to teach us. Unfortunately, I have seen younger people assume that someone older struggles with anything related to technology, or that they are mentally slow. Everyone deserves our respect, especially the elderly who have lived a long life and might need some extra time, but they have so much to offer. My personal pet peeve is when I am checking out at a store, and before I even have a chance to complete the pin pad, the young clerk starts telling me what to do. We should break through our assumptions about age.

Dressing age appropriately

My daughters refuse to let me shop in any store that looks like it caters to older women, but I also will not wear certain things that I don’t think a 64-year-old woman should wear, but of course, that is a personal choice for everyone. I just think there is a certain age when a bare midriff doesn’t look the same anymore.

Being too old to start something new

There are certain activities that some people think of as activities for younger people. I think you should do whatever you enjoy doing. I started karate at 45 and continued training for eight years. My sensei was always trying to age shame me, but I was enjoying myself too much to care. I started learning guitar at sixty-two, and I am loving it! Don’t let your age hold you back from something you would love to try.

Being too old to relate to the younger generation

As I became older, I was worried that I would become too old for my students to relate to me. It didn’t help when I heard people saying that they hope some of the new hires would be younger so they would bring life, and energy to teaching. I don’t think age necessarily affects how well you can do a job.

I had a funny situation at a recent race. I was standing with my friend Sally looking at the results monitor. I had just explained to a young woman next to me how to read the monitor because she was looking in the wrong place, but I don’t think she listened to me. There’s Nothing Holding Me Back was playing and I said to Sally, “I love this song!” The young woman said with surprise, “You like this song?” I said, “You don’t?” She said, “Oh, I do like it.” I said, “So why did you say that like it was weird that I liked it?” She said, “Well, I find the older I get, the more I like younger music.” I said, “Are you calling me old?” Sally said, “We can beat you up you know.” (She was kidding!) We both started laughing. Bless that woman’s heart.

Being afraid of age shaming

Age shaming works both ways, and again, don’t listen to other people’s comments. Do what you love. I was on the porch knitting one day when my neighbor’s daughter said, “See mom, that’s going to be you.” Whether it matters or not, comments like that hurt. I love to ride my bike around the neighborhood, but I’m always thinking that someone might think I’m too old to do that.

I have been making an effort lately to enjoy each moment instead of always thinking about what I have to do next or worrying that there is something I haven’t done. I am finding that slowing down, enjoying who I’m with, and being more observant of everything, brings a sense of peace. Here are a few things I am trying to do that might work for you too.

Focus completely on a person

I am guilty of trying to multitask while talking to someone. I want to finish the e-mail, write one more sentence, or organize my desk. The problem with that is I am sending a message that I’m too busy to interact with someone, and that person is not worth my time. I am much happier doing one thing at a time including giving a person my time.

Be open to what is happening around me

In the past, I have often been hurrying to the next task with my head down, and my mind a mile away. Now, I see who and what are around me, and I am aware of my environment.

Leave my headphones out

I used to have my headphones in at the gym, or when I was running, but I was missing out on some great conversations! I listen to people talk about issues, triumphs, and heartaches.

Listening

Listening is a skill that many people are not good at doing. Instead of listening, we want to jump in and interrupt with our own story. What we forget though is how much we can learn from each other.

Asking questions

Showing an interest in people shows them they have value and everyone wants to tell his story.

Wouldn’t it be perfect if we could have the wisdom that comes with getting older but not have the physical aspect of aging? Many of us have spent a great deal of money trying to maintain a youthful appearance. We want the answer to be inside of a bottle or jar, but the truth is that the answer to feeling and looking younger is within our reach naturally and inexpensively. Here are some of the things that we can do to slow the aging process.

1. Sleep

I have noticed that as I have gotten older, my face shows how much or how little sleep I have had. If I have several days of great sleep, I look ten years younger. Lack of sleep is also a major factor in memory loss and symptoms of depression that include low interest in daily activities and negative thinking. Research has shown that most adults need 8-9 hours of sleep every night. Not getting enough sleep affects the skin barrier’s ability to do its job and can lead to dehydration, which, in turn, makes fine lines more noticeable.

1) Staying Calm

Stress really will kill you. It disrupts your sleep, raises your weight, elevates your blood pressure, and will age you rapidly. There are ways to keep your cool though. Deep breathing is something that everyone can do anywhere. Breathe deeply for four seconds, hold it in for four seconds and then release it for four. Do this three times and see how much more relaxed you are.

Another technique that anyone can use is repeating a mantra. A mantra is a word or phrase that helps you to focus or relax. The one I use is “Find the joy.” I use it when I start to become irritated or stressed. It reminds me that there is joy in any situation.

Meditation is another way to improve your sense of calm. Sit in a quiet place, close your eyes and focus on a scene that would be special for you. Clear your mind, breathe deeply and focus on your special place. Find a quiet and comfortable place. Sit in a chair or on the floor with your head, neck, and back straight but not stiff. Pay attention to your breathing. Breathe deeply in and out. Clear your mind and imagine a pleasant scene with you in it. Try to relax and focus on nothing but that.

2) Exercise

The U.S. guidelines recommend that 30 minutes of moderate-intensity physical activity at least five days a week can have significant health benefits. In one study it was found that adults who partake in regular physical activity are biologically younger than sedentary individuals. The secret to exercise working for you is to find something that you enjoy doing so that you will do it consistently. Visualize the positive effects that exercise can have on you.

3) Water

Water can solve many health problems. Hydration is essential to help prevent the clogging of arteries to the heart and brain. Hydration is needed for the production of nature’s sleep regulator, melatonin. Water generates electrical and magnetic energy in every cell in the body, providing a natural power boost. Water normalizes the blood-manufacturing system that can aid in the prevention of many forms of cancer. To promote healthier skin, adequate water intake is essential. If water does not reach the skin from the circulation at its base, the rate of skin repair will decrease, and dehydrated cells will cover the body. Drink up!!

4) Interaction with friends

Humans have a basic need for interaction with others. Add onto that the chance to interact with someone who cares about your happiness and is willing to listen to your joys and your sorrows and you have a prescription for happiness. We need people in our lives to share our thoughts and feelings with and who can make us feel needed. Happiness usually equals healthiness and healthy relationships can make that happen.

5) Engage in a passion/interest

Find something that you love to do and do it as often as possible. Doing something that we are passionate about is a stress reliever and we all know that stress is a major cause of aging. What a simple concept it is to think that by doing something that makes you happy and relaxes you, you can stay younger longer.

6) Give back

Serving others will make you feel good, it will help you connect with the community, and it will show you just how blessed you are in your life. The quickest way to forget about any troubles that you have is to help relieve someone else’s burden. Worry will age you so avoid it when possible.

7) Think positively

Attitude is everything. The outcome of anything that you do will be affected by the attitude you give it. People with positive attitudes live longer than those with negative views on everything. Try going through a day changing any negative thought into a positive and see if it makes a difference.

8) Take time to do nothing

Many of us have no idea how to relax. We feel guilty doing nothing but the truth is it could be a great thing to do for our health and to use as an anti-aging tool. There is always one more thing that you could do at work or around the house, but our bodies need some rest so try putting up your feet now and then and take some time to renew.

9) Learn something new

Learning to do something new can stimulate our brains and keep our mental capacity sharp. We all want to be as sharp mentally as we can, so learn to play an instrument, try a new sport or learn another language.

It is important to realize that age is just a number. We do not have to succumb to age, we can deal with it on our own terms. I hear people complaining that they are falling apart at forty. Middle age can be a time of renewal and recognition. You have wisdom that you did not have in your twenties and your body can be well maintained with a little work.

You might think I’m crazy, but I talk to my dog all the time, and I swear that he understands me most of the time. When we first welcomed Bandit into our home, it was a little chaotic. I had never had a dog that was so full of energy and frenetic. I wasn’t sure if we should keep him because I didn’t know if I was the best person for him. My friend Lynn is a dog trainer and she assured me it would be o.k. and she encouraged me to talk to him. Bandit was four months old when he arrived, so he had a lot of things to learn about the world, so I started to give him safety advice. Here is a short list of what I tell him.

Be careful what you eat

Bandit is like any other animal who loves to eat. I taught him two commands to make sure if medication or something else that he shouldn’t eat was on the ground, he wouldn’t eat it. The first command is when I say, “leave it.” To teach him this I hold my hand open with a treat and say leave it. When he tries to eat it, close your palm. Eventually, he will stop trying to eat it. At that point, say, “Get it!”.  The other command is for the times when he picks something up. I say, “Drop it!”

Don’t run full speed down the stairs unless you know what’s at the bottom.

We have had some early morning sightings of coyotes and foxes in our neighborhood, and I am not ready to have that meeting. I have taught him to wait for me, and he looks around before he goes down.

There are certain things you should not chase

Bandit is an all-in dog. He wants to run full speed and chase things. The other day, he was running to me with the frisbee when he disturbed a strange creature in the grass. Something that looked like a bird, flew up from the grass, fluttered around for a second, and then dove back into the grass. I looked at Bandit and said, “What in the world was that?” I felt like a character in the Friday the Thirteenth movie with Freddie Krueger because you know you shouldn’t go look, but you can’t help yourself. I still could not tell you what it was.

Don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong

We have a million holes in our backyard, and I’m pretty sure there are a few things I don’t want to meet down there. He will run over to peek, and I tell him again, “Don’t stick your nose there!” Curiosity is not always a good thing.

Enjoy a good nap

Most of the time, Bandit is a whirlwind of activity, but when I write he curls up near the cats and rests for his next explosion of energy.

Life is not always easy but each one of us has a choice about how we live the life that we have been given. We can find joy in what we do or we can see life as a burden. We can do our part to contribute or we can live as if we have been defeated. Everyone has something in their lives that they struggle with. Even the friend who seems perfect has an issue or two that is a challenge in some way. With all the needs around us, there are countless ways that one person can make a difference in others and in the community. Imagine if you knew that simple acts that you performed for someone or a few kind words that you offered could radically help that person. Imagine that these were all very simple things that you could do and they would not cost you anything or require much effort on your part. If you knew what an impact you could have on someone without even inconveniencing yourself, wouldn’t you do it? Add to this the fact that by helping others you can improve your own situation. It just seems like a win-win situation.

One of the easiest ways that you can make a difference in someone’s life is just to listen. Most people need to tell someone about what they are struggling with. Having to hold it in without confiding in someone becomes a burden. When you can tell someone about your problems it is as if you have released them from a burden. Sometimes people just have to talk about something to work the issue out.

You can improve your listening skills by practicing something called empathetic listening. When someone tells you something, repeat what you have been told in a question. An example would be if someone said “Since my husband has died, I feel lonely.” You respond, “So since your husband has died, you are lonely?” This will encourage the person to add to the first statement. Letting someone voice their feelings is the simplest but often the most important thing that you can do for someone.

Never underestimate how powerful simple words can be. You may not think twice about a small compliment but that comment could make a huge difference. Many people have horrible self-esteem; they are used to being invisible. When someone gives a compliment or smiles at someone, it shows the person that they are worthy of a person’s attention.

When you are trying to be your best, you can inspire others and that inspiration could change a life. Be happy, laugh often, and your joy will be contagious. Sing positive songs, speak positive thoughts and you will lift up those around you. Count your blessings and others will realize that they need to focus on what is right in life not always on what is wrong.

Offer encouragement. Everyone wants to feel that there is someone who believes in them, that someone will be a cheerleader for them.

Helping others can cause self-improvement. Seeing other people struggling makes you realize how blessed your own life is. Knowing that you are helping someone lifts your own spirits. The quickest way to forget your own problem is to try to help someone solve their issues.

Do what you can to help one person at a time and watch the gradual changes as reaching out becomes a domino effect and you feel that you have made a difference.

When you go to work each day, you have a choice about what your performance will be like. Every organization has a wide variety of performers. The most valuable are the ones who treat their job with respect and act professionally, others are not sure what the expectations are, and others slip by doing the bare minimum and finding excuses anytime they don’t follow the company rules. Every organization should have very clear expectations for workers, and although we would hope professionals wouldn’t need to be supervised, there needs to be supervision and consequences when professionals don’t act professionally. Here is my idea of how a professional performs.

Show up on time

Unless there is a valid excuse, being late is a sign of disrespect. I had a student complain to me once that his teacher never arrived in class until five minutes after the bell rang. If we have a rule for one person, it has to apply to everyone.

Avoid negativity

You don’t want to be a victim of guilt by association if others see you with the group that gossips about everyone else.

Come to learn

You have so many opportunities to learn from the people around you. Brainstorm with others and ask questions.

Meet deadlines

Be known as a person who completes his responsibilities.

Don’t be the pot stirrer

Stirring up drama can happen faster than you think, so don’t be known as the drama queen.

Be a team player. Realize that everyone involved in the job is working together. It has to be a united front, and everyone has to work together. Help willingly when the chance arises.

When you speak with colleagues, give them your full attention. Stop using e-mail, put away the cell phone, and interact fully with another human being.

Show your colleagues how to deal with stress with a sense of humor. It is much more fun to work somewhere where people are laughing instead of frowning.

Never wait until the last minute to do something. Work on big projects a little at a time and they do not seem so insurmountable anymore.

Starting a new job can be overwhelming and a little scary. There are names to learn, procedures to follow, figuring out who does what, and proving you can do a good job. The first few weeks and beyond can be stressful, but here are a few ways to make the transition easier.

Find a mentor

It doesn’t take long to find the person who can guide you and answer your questions. Good organizations have a mentor program to help you acclimate to the new environment. When I first started at my last school, there wasn’t a mentor program, and it was difficult to navigate all the documentation and figure out who to talk to for what.

Discover your marigolds

The marigolds are the genuinely good people who will be positive and who will help you to do your best.

Avoid negativity

Every organization has a group that isn’t happy about anything or anyone and will take every chance to air those feelings. Negativity can sap your energy, and it is hurtful.

Make your team look good

Perform for the greater good, not just individual accolades.

Learn something every day

We can learn something from everyone, so start each day with the attitude that you are going to learn at least one new thing every day.

Keep a positive attitude

Keeping a positive attitude and a sense of humor will help you through any rough spots.

Set goals

Give yourself some goals to motivate yourself. Keep revising them as the year goes by.

Give yourself some grace during your first year, and do the best job you can, and when someone else is the new person, become her marigold.

Have you ever known someone who presented herself a certain way, but revealed a completely different personality to a select few? I have had several relationships where this has happened, and I had to keep asking myself if it was just me. Was I being too harsh or too sensitive, but ultimately, there was too much evidence in each case that proved I was dealing with someone who was a master manipulator with people. I will give you several examples in the hopes that if you are in a similar situation, you will realize what is happening, and then I will give you a few ideas of what worked for me to deal with this type of relationship.

Abigail Brenner M.D. writes in her article, 9 Classic Strategies of Manipulative People, for Psychology Today, “Manipulative people have mastered the art of deception. They may appear respectable and sincere but often that’s just a facade; it’s a way to draw you in and ensnare you in a relationship before they show their true colors. Manipulative people are really not interested in you except as a vehicle to allow them to gain control so that you become an unwilling participant in their plans. Manipulative people can play the victim, making you seem to be the one who caused a problem that they began but won’t take responsibility for. They can be passive-aggressive or nice one minute and standoffish the next, to keep you guessing and to prey on your fears and insecurities. They often make you defensive. They can also be extremely aggressive and vicious, resorting to personal attacks and criticism, and dogged in their pursuit of getting what they want. They bully and threaten, and won’t let up or let go until they wear you down.”

I have a family member who has struggled with addiction for years. He can sink into dark moods, and be unpleasant to be around, but when he is in a social setting, he becomes the life of the party, and everyone loves him. I cannot count the number of people who have told me what an amazing person he is, and how funny he is. I think situations like this happen a lot where someone paints a pretty picture of his persona, but the reality is much darker.

I had a friend who I loved being around. She was always full of energy, and laughter. Unfortunately, as we became closer, she also showed a darker side of herself. She was very competitive, and she was determined to have what she wanted no matter who she hurt. She did some things that hurt me badly. I don’t think I have ever known anyone who was more self-absorbed. My family saw her true personality before I did. When I finally walked away from our relationship, it took me a long time to recover from the hurt.

Manipulative people never think someone can do something as well as they can. They like to place blame on others and talk behind others’ backs. Realize that they are talking about you as well. They are relentless about fulfilling their needs no matter who they hurt. They see nothing wrong with their actions, and they enjoy creating scenarios for intrigue, rivalry, and jealousy. They will try to make you feel less than and guilty. They are adult bullies.

It can be difficult when you see people receive accolades who you know are hateful to others, and can be charming in public, but not really have the leadership qualities that people think they have.

Here is my advice. Distance yourself as much as possible from people like this, the situation will not end well for you. Do not talk badly about them to make others see the truth because it will make you look like the hateful one. Realize that eventually, the mask will fall, and the true personality will come through. Don’t engage in conflict with them because it isn’t worth your energy. Surround yourself with genuine people. Believe in yourself and your worth, and see their actions for the power play they are.