Jennifer’s writing

As a French teacher, I have always told my students that a trip to France will be easier if they speak the language. I have seen the frustration when someone wants to communicate but does not know the right words to express their thoughts. I have also had people on our trips tell me that they saw that I was treated differently because I know the language. You can imagine my surprise when my husband proved my theory about needing to know the language to be false.

We recently went to Paris to celebrate 41 years of marriage, and I was a little nervous since my husband cannot say anything besides hello and thank you. I found out quickly that I had no reason to worry. He would talk to someone in English, not because he thought everyone should speak his language, but because it was his only option. If English didn’t work, he would use gestures to communicate. I was surprised at how well it worked. We were in a café where the waitress did not speak English, but when she put a huge dollop of mashed potatoes on his plate, the astonished look he gave made her laugh, and from that point on, they were teasing each other and having me translate. When we were in the Musée D’Orsay, he stood on a bench to take a photo, and instantly there was a guard telling me he couldn’t do that. He knew what she was saying by her tone, so he swished his bum around on the bench to clean up any dirt he had left. He made her laugh, and she showed us a special way to go to the top.

There was only one time that we had a small incident. We were buying some flowers for the hotel manager because she had been so sweet to us, and I was giving the florist some general ideas of what we would like. As she began to construct the bouquet, my husband started to question her choices. I almost died because criticizing a florist in France is almost as bad as saying you don’t like what you have been served in a restaurant. Thankfully, when he saw the final product he apologized and told her how beautiful it was.

I saw him approach each interaction with the joy that comes with meeting someone new and interesting. He was never nervous, but that might have been because he had a personal translator with him. I have been hesitant to visit countries where I don’t know the language, but after watching my husband’s success I would like to give it a try. I am also happy to report that my husband has been using the new words he learned. I hear him during the day saying, “Eh, voilà” (and there it is!) and “C’est la vie!” (That’s life!”) He proved to me he doesn’t need much more than that.

If you are anything like me you have felt your share of parental guilt. It can come in different forms. You might feel guilty when your child doesn’t do well in school as you ask yourself how you could have been more supportive or worked with him more. It could be when your child gets in trouble, and you ask yourself if there was something you could have done to prevent your child from doing that. The worse form of guilt for me comes when your child tells you that you disappointed them, and you let them down in some way. This is what happened today as my youngest and I were driving to lunch, and instead of deflating me, it initially made me angry. Then I had an epiphany when I realized that we have to stop blaming ourselves as parents and let our children own the results of their actions. Here is what happened in the car.

We were talking about depression, and I told her I felt so bad when her sister said she was depressed that I didn’t understand depression and thought she was being ungrateful and didn’t realize everything she had. I told Kate, “I tried to do better when you told me you were depressed too.” Kate said, “Mom, you told me the same thing. You said I wasn’t grateful for what I had.” I told her I had said I used to think that, but I did not say that, and we put her in counseling immediately. I then said, “Kate, I am not a perfect parent, but I have done my best, and supported and loved you as much as I could.” At that point, it hit me that there were very difficult moments with all three children. Although I love them all unconditionally, there were some rough bumps along the way, so why as parents do we not give ourselves more grace when our children drive us a little crazy?

I am going to be kinder to myself when I consider whether I have been a good parent or not because my children have all survived to adulthood, they are good people, and they are well-loved. I hope you will also give yourself grace, and the next time they mention something you did wrong, turn the tables and tell a story of your own.

I often hear people say they do not have a special gift. They do not think they can offer anything special to those around them, but these people are inevitably the ones who offer the most without even realizing it. Think for a moment and ask yourself what your gift is. In case you are having trouble coming up with an answer, here are some possible gifts that you may be giving without thinking about it.

• Strong faith: I know several people who have not had an easy life, but instead of being bitter and asking, “Why me?” they trust completely in God’s plan and feel that God will provide what they need to make it through any hardship. Faith like that is inspirational because many people will claim a belief in God until something goes wrong. It takes strong faith to carry on in his name no matter what test is put before you. When people show this faith, they are gifting others with peace and hope. Leave your worries at his feet and be the best you can be.
• Gifts of food: Food can lift your spirits and giving food is an act of love. If you know someone who is struggling, bring over a meal, and watch their face light up.
• Compliments: We could all probably find something negative and positive about everyone around us. I choose to look for the positive and I also choose to comment on it. We all need a little ego boost now and then, so hearing that we did a good job, or another positive point can encourage us.
• Guidance: At some point, everyone needs some advice and a little guidance to get back on track. It’s probably best to wait until someone asks for your advice before you start giving it though.
• Joy: Happy people are like magnets; they are fun to be around. They can see the positive in everything, and the laughter is contagious.
• A strong spirit: I love being inspired by the people who refuse to let circumstances keep them down. Whether they are struggling with physical, personal, or financial hardships, they keep getting back up and fighting with everything they have to achieve their goals.
• Being present: This is one of the greatest gifts and is sometimes difficult to give. At my school, the students often want to come in before or between classes to talk. Although there are always a zillion things that need to be done, I will put everything down and focus on them every time because I think it is more important. Our children often want us to be with them, and as mine grow older I find I do not care what they are doing, I only want to spend time with them.

Of course, there are the gifts that we think of first, like being able to sing like an angel, paint like Michelangelo, or dance like Misty Copeland, but the everyday gifts are as important and as needed as the gifts that make someone a standout. Use your gifts generously and be amazed at the difference you can make.   

I think social media has many positive aspects. I would never be as connected with family and friends that live in other states. With Facebook and Instagram, I can stay current with what is happening in my community, and social media has often given me insight into a person that I would not otherwise have had.

One of the things I do not like though is the comparison game that social media perpetuates. I’m not sure why so many people feel the need to appear as if they lead perfect lives because I have always thought that when you are transparent and show up with all your messiness, you help more people feel that maybe they aren’t doing everything wrong and that a family can be happy when there are a few struggles going on behind the doors.

It can be harmful to people to read posts where everything is always shiny and bright, and life is always smooth. I see this the most with the attempts to portray the perfect family. I know a lot of families and very few of them are perfect and they still are amazing, so the next time you feel like a bad parent because your children don’t seem to be doing everything right, realize that behind those illusions are some harsh realities that you probably don’t want to deal with.

I appreciate the parents who talk about the bumps in the road like the sleepless night with a new baby, a teenager who can’t seem to find the laundry basket, and the toddler who had a meltdown in the middle of the store. Imperfect is so much more relatable and much easier to maintain.

Have you ever had one of those days where you couldn’t believe what people thought it was o.k. to say, and their actions were even harder to understand? My daughter and I call that a cabin in the mountains day. We often joke that each time we have an unfortunate interaction with a person, we are one step closer to moving to that cabin. Here is why we think the move to the cabin sounds so appealing.

I taught for a while in the North Georgia mountains, and life seems simpler there in many ways. Priorities are different, and people value hard work and integrity, and caring for the family. No one is going to say anything hurtful about anyone before they say bless her heart which to me translates as she is doing the best she can with the resources she was given. I can only talk about my experience, but the people in the mountains would be there in a heartbeat if anyone needed help.

The next reason we think our cabin would be ideal is that being out in nature away from six lanes of traffic is healing. We wouldn’t need to worry anymore about rush hour.

Kate and I don’t have too many stipulations about our cabin except that we want a huge front porch with a fireplace. It would be nice to be on a lake, so we could jump in our kayaks and paddle around the edge. It would also be great to have a Walmart or Target within an hour for those rare times when we might be missing people.

Do you ever fantasize about where you would like to escape to on a bad day? What would it look like, and why would it soothe your soul?

If you are an athlete, you know how frustrating it can be to be training hard while preparing for an event when an injury suddenly strikes. You watch all your hard work slip away as days turn into weeks as you heal. The injury can strike you just as much mentally as it does physically.

I had been preparing for an ultra-marathon running thirty to forty miles weekly, working on my fueling, and preparing mentally. One morning, I was outside playing with my border collie and talking on the phone with my daughter. I wasn’t paying attention to the dog as I walked towards his favorite frisbee. I didn’t notice him running full speed, intent on beating me to the frisbee. Suddenly, he crashed into my left leg, and the pain was horrible. It wasn’t until a few days later though that my knee began to feel sore. It became so bad that I could barely walk, so I went to an orthopedist after first going to the chiropractor, a stretch studio, and physical therapy. The MRI revealed a torn meniscus and a baker’s cyst.

When I first realized that I would be sidelined for a while, I was sad to know that the fitness level I had achieved with all those miles would be gone within a few weeks. I decided to look at the situation as a chance to train in another way, so I started to work hard with low-impact training. I discovered how much fun it can be to try different routines. I asked other people who were injured how they were recuperating. Whenever I had a setback, I would try something different.

When I was first injured, I told myself that it was my age and my knees were just worn out, but then I noticed all the people in their twenties with knee braces and boots. I hate to say that misery loves company is true, but it helped me to know I wasn’t just suffering from old knees.

Don’t let injuries defeat you mentally. Use it as a chance to try new things, and possibly come back stronger than you were before.

As a recently retired teacher who spent forty years in the classroom, the current situation in our schools tears at my heart. Covid caused a myriad of problems, but there were quite a few issues to deal with even before the pandemic hit.

I wish more people would rally behind the importance of educating our children. These are the future of our nation. They will be the ones who build the structure of our society and form the character of our people. I hope in the next few years we can come back from the knowledge deficit that Covid caused, and I hope we will put in place measures to help with the mental health issues that we see because of the pandemic, but I hope we also address some of the following issues.

Teachers are overworked and underpaid

I am always amazed when I hear someone say that teachers have it easy. My daughter told me about a man she knows who wanted to sell real estate, but he failed the exam three times, so he said he was going to become a math teacher. I guarantee you this man has no idea what the day in the life of a math teacher is like. Many teachers don’t even have a break at lunch. There are supervision duties, and at some point, during the day, you have to communicate with parents and plan for the next day.

Classrooms are overcrowded

It takes a special teacher to adequately teach 30-40 children in one class, and many of those teachers are leaving because they have had enough. If you are a quiet child or a student with special needs, you could be lost in the crowd.

We need ongoing teacher training and mentoring programs

Teachers are often hired and thrown into the classroom without enough support and training. Staff training and support from veteran teachers can help.

Let teachers focus on teaching

There are so many extras to a teacher’s job. A teacher might be expected to do supervision, coach, do a club, run the yearbook, and any number of additional expectations. When Covid hit teachers were given more duties when they were already struggling.

Let teachers have a voice in decisions that affect them.

Crucial decisions about the classroom are often made by administrators who do not play an active role in the classroom. Give the teachers the feeling that they have a voice and that they matter in the process.

Hire counselors to focus on mental health

It’s no secret that our children are suffering and we need counselors who can address their mental health. Many schools ask counselors to wear so many different hats that they don’t have time for the job they were originally hired to do.

I am in my second year of retirement, and my husband’s prediction that I would be busier in retirement than I was working is sometimes true. The difference is that anything I am doing now is my choice. I have been surprised by some of the misconceptions that I have heard from people who are still working, so I thought I would address a few.

Don’t you miss being around people?

This is only my opinion, but some people can be exhausting to work with and relationships with them can be difficult to navigate. In retirement, I can choose the people with whom I want to spend time. I have the time to be with family and nurture my friendships.

Do you just sit around all day?

I now have the time to do all the things I never could do when I was working. I am running, biking, working in the garden, taking care of my grandson, swinging in the hammock, playing my guitar, and a million other things. At the end of the day, I always wish I had more time.

Do you and your husband drive each other crazy because you are together so much?

My husband still works, and although he works from home, he tells me that he loves knowing I am in the house somewhere. He can come up from his office and tell me about what is going on in his world. When I was working if you wanted to talk to me it had to be quick.

Do you miss working?

I was a teacher and I miss interacting with the children, but I do not miss always being exhausted from all the extra things that teachers are expected to do. I have the freedom to travel and do things without worrying about work commitments.

These are a few of the questions I have been asked. I hope they have helped you to see that retirement can be what you make it. It has been wonderful for me.

My husband has what I consider to be the perfect attitude about life and people. I have a great deal to learn from him because I worry too much about what people think, I’m highly emotional, and sensitive, and want to please everyone. I have days when I feel like my mental state is the eye of the storm while my husband is the calming breeze that comes after. Here are some of the comments he has said that has helped me put things in perspective.

I wanted the whole family to spend some time together during the holidays, so my oldest rented a cabin in the mountains for us to spend three days together. I was so excited that everyone would be under one roof, but then both my son and youngest daughter said they didn’t want to go. When I told my husband he said, “Oh well, I guess they will miss all the fun.” I realized he was right to have that attitude because why would I want to force someone to spend time somewhere that they would not want to be? We will have a great time anyway.

He never cares about what someone might think about him. He told me once, “I like who I am, so other people can choose to like me or not. I’m not going to change to please someone else. Maybe we should all strive to have that confidence and realize that no matter what we do, someone will judge us, and it doesn’t really matter.

Do you know the line in the Justin Bieber song that says, “My mama don’t like you, and she likes everyone.”? The only people my husband doesn’t like are someone who has hurt a member of his family. He never judges, and he greets everyone with joy and humor. More laughter might be the medicine we all need.

My husband knows how to let negative junk go. If it isn’t going to make him or his loved ones happy, he turns away from it and focuses on the positive. What if we all tried to do that more? Could you interact with people with more joy and love? Can you let go of what drags you down and focus more on what makes you happy? I don’t know about you, but I am going to give it my best shot.

                                            

When my oldest was pregnant with my grandson, she would talk about what she was going to do after the baby was born, and it was obvious she did not think her life was going to change at all. I wasn’t sure how to tell her she was going to feel every emotion, have to multitask and be creative with little sleep, manage baby excretions with horrific smells, and listen to everyone’s opinion and judgment on how to parent while questioning whether you were ever doing anything right as you do your best to help a tiny human to thrive. I told her, “Jess, parenting is messy.”

Parenting is so much more than changing diapers or picking the right school, and it lasts a lifetime. People say, “The terrible twos”, but that age pales in comparison to the teenage years and beyond. Surviving parenthood requires a lot of creativity and some mind tricks. Let me share what has worked for me.

Distraction

This works at any age in any situation. If a toddler falls and starts to cry, do something to distract him. Also never react when it’s a tiny bump or fall. They will see your face, and even if it didn’t hurt, they will start to wail if you show emotion. If a teenager is angry, change the topic and distract.

Use questions

My children want life advice all the time, but I think they are the ones to make those decisions, so instead of telling them what I think they should do, I ask questions that guide them to an answer that fits their needs. Let’s say the question is “Mom, should I stay at my job, or look for something new?” If I give my opinion, and it ends up not being the right answer, I could be blamed, so I ask questions about the job and how it affects her life until she makes her own conclusions.

Give choices

Whenever possible give choices instead of telling a child what to do. If he can make a choice, he has had input in his decision, and will not resent being told what to do.

Use the element of surprise

You don’t want to be too predictable. Keep your children guessing so that they will never be sure what new type of consequence might be in store for them.

Maintain a united front

Children like to divide and conquer, so make sure you support each other when it comes to certain situations.

I hope these ideas help. Don’t be discouraged. Parenting is hard, but you are not alone, and you don’t have to be perfect to be a good parent.